How not to persuade someone in 5 agonizing steps

So, if you’re trying to sway a person (or a group of people) to see things your way, where should you begin? Or, more importantly, where shouldn’t you begin?

Let’s look at five common pitfalls that are sure to drive a stake through the heart of your persuasive argument—as well as some alternate techniques you can try:

1. Assume you have absolutely nothing in common with those people.

Why bother being all chummy about things? After all, you’re just trying to make a point, right? Wrong! People tend to let their guards down and be more receptive to new ideas when those ideas are coming from someone who is likeable. But how can you just be likeable on demand? Researchers have found that likeability stems from things like sincerity, transparency, and capacity for understanding. First of all, don’t try to be phony or fake it, or people will see right through it. Instead, start by finding common ground. More often than not, we all want the same things, we just disagree on how to go about getting them. For example, say you’re trying to put environmental issues in the spotlight—but you know your audience will be less than receptive. Think about some commonalities you share and start slowly. For example:

• You all have kids who you love and whose futures you worry about.
• You enjoy spending time in the great outdoors, whether it’s camping, fishing, boating, hiking, surfing, or just strolling along a wooded path.
• You’re sick of paying sky-high gas prices at the pump or to the utility company.

Once you show you’re not that different, you’ll both start seeing the humans behind the opinions. From there, you can begin to search for strongest common denominator. For example, they may refuse to be a “tree hugger” but they wouldn’t rule out buying an electric car in order to skip expensive trips to the gas station. That’s where to start. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a race. So be kind and nix the condescension, eye rolling and sarcastic comments.

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2. Stick to the facts. It’s a numbers game after all.

Nothing speaks louder than cold, hard, logical facts, stripped of all emotion. At least that’s what you heard in math and science class. Unless your research is being peer reviewed in a scientific journal—cold, hard facts are likely to fall flat in most other areas. Think about it: When was the last time someone talked you out of your beliefs by throwing a bunch of statistics in your face? Probably never. Why? I’ll spare you the nitty gritty—but basically, scientists have found that because humans are tribal in nature, the need to belong, feel secure and be accepted within their group of choice seems to play a big role. Multiple studies have found that humans will almost always choose acceptance over correctness when it comes to viewpoints.

3. By all means, use scare tactics.

Nothing’s more convincing than showing a video of—oh, I don’t know—let’s say the earth imploding—as you drive home the importance of environmental issues, right? Research shows that laying out your views in a positive rather than a negative light is actually the way to go. Showing immediate positive rewards (a guy drives swiftly by his old gas station with the sky high prices, smiling in his new electric car) is key since it gives people a sense of control and makes them feel less angry, frustrated and resentful at your attempts to persuade them.

4. Don’t waste your time with the hard-nosed types; they’ll never change.

Imagine preaching the vegan lifestyle to someone with an “I Break for Bacon” bumper sticker. Sounds crazy, but it just might not be. While this is an extreme example, one study found that the people who feel less confident about hot-button topics are the vocal ones who try the hardest to convince others of their view. Scientists call it the “backlash effect” because when doubts start to creep in and their views threatened, it has the opposite effect of causing people to dig in their heels even more. So, if you’re a vegan, don’t give up on that bacon lover just yet (and vice versa!) By using non-judgmental, non-confrontational techniques and sharing your own experiences, it’s possible to win them over.

5. Don’t read the room before you make your case.

What better time to preach to dad about feminist ideology than when he’s in a rage from a horrible day at work? Obviously that’s not gonna fly. Common sense dictates, as does science, that people who are calm and relaxed are more receptive to new ideas versus those who feel stressed, angry or threatened. But what about when you’re presenting to a crowd whose moods span the spectrum? Gauging this may not be as simple. But there are some things you can do to engage your audience and get them in a calmer state of mind before you begin—whether it’s sharing a funny story, making sure the room is a comfortable temperature, providing water and snacks, etc.

As you can see, there are many ways NOT to make a persuasive argument. By knowing this, you can plan your presentation accordingly—making better choices about the types of wording, tone, content, imagery, videos and other elements to include—and which ones to kick to the curb. This knowledge could go a long way toward bridging the gap between your views and theirs—so you can find some common ground.